1. The only requirement is participation. Feel free to invent your own dance to fit your own specifications — standing, seated, whatever you feel works best.
2. The dances will be judged by the assembled elders.
3. There will be a fabulous prize* for the winner.

Need some suggestions? Here’s a fairly straightforward demonstration:

This isn’t actually a hula, but you could take some cues from the University of Hawaii’s football team and their pregame haka:

I have no idea what this one is about, but it seems to demonstrate something important:

And then I’d imagine that many of our dances will end up looking like this:

We’ll have hula-appropriate music at a few different tempos available for your use; if you have something specific in mind, feel free to bring it along.

*Prize not actually fabulous.

From the office of the Grandhog:

Aloha hoalohas!

Grandhog Kiwi proclaims that this is the year of AloHog!

Hele mei hoohiwahiwa at the our newest den of iniquity at Mohican in
Loudenville.  Arrive Po’alima* evening and depart Lapule** morning.

Festivities to include all things Hawaiian — grass skirts, leis, boobies in
coconut shell bras, coconuts in general, Hawaiian shirts, a mandatory hula contest, ukuleles, poi, pineapple, Captain Cook, volcanoes, tacky tourists, sand, Spam and that thing where you dance under the stick.

Ed note: That part about the hula contest being mandatory means it is mandatory for all.

Put on a hau’oli face and head for the burrow!

Aloha No Au Ia ‘Oe,

Grandhog Kiwi

*Friday. **Sunday.

But more importantly, we are one week — yes, just one week — away from the deadline for all of y’all to let us know if you’re joining us.

Official records show that outside of the sergeant at arms, the song master, the secretary pro-tem and her lovely and talented bodyguard, only one couple has confirmed their plans to attend.

That means there are a bunch of you — including, ahem, the Grandhog — who have yet to let us know whether you’ll be attending. And we need to know your intentions no later than Jan. 10 — we have reserved cabins at Mohican, and that date will just barely allow us time to cancel cabins we don’t need without significant financial penalty.

So, folks — yes or no, by Jan. 10., to one of the following addresses:

Heatherhog: jezebel.deux (at) gmail (dot) com

Mikehog: yourcrappyuncle (at) gmail (dot) com

Kellyhog: garrettkb (at) gmail (dot) com

And we thank you once again for your support.

We’re going back to Mohican, the weekend of Feb. 4 and 5. It may not be quite as picturesque as it was last year, but we hope to see you there anyway.

Mohican State Park is where the Barefoot Run was born, back on a family vacation weekend with the Pounds and the Ahrens. I though the chances that there would be snow on the ground for the resurrection of the tradition this year would be decent.

And yeah, it snowed a little.

Here’s a quick look at this year’s Run through 15 inches of fluffy white powder. I almost wish I brought my skis…

1) Phil was totally right.

2) Bring boots.

You guys know how to get to Mohican, right?

OK. I don’t either.

Fortunately, it ain’t hard.

From Columbus:

• I-71 north to Route 97 exit.
• Route 97 east to Route 3.
• Left to Route 3 north for about a quarter mile; park entrance will be on your left.

From Cleveland:

• I-71 South to U.S. 250 exit.
• U.S. 250 east to Route 89.
• Right on Route 89 South to Route 95.
• Right on Route 95 west to Route 60.
• Left on Route 60 south to Loudenville.
• Follow Route 3 south through Loudenville; park entrance will be on your right.

From Mansfield:

• You guys are close enough that you could probably walk.

From Pittsburgh:

• Rent a helicopter.

If you want maps ‘n’ at, follow this link to Google Maps, plug in your address, and you’ll get step-by-step directions from wherever you are to the park.

Once at the park, stop by the office and register yer vehicle with cabins C22 (Mikehog) or C23 (Heatherhog) and get them to point you in the right direction. We’re allowed just two vehicles per cabin, so some of us will have to offload and then get shuttled to one of the extra parking areas.

Check-in is 4 p.m. Friday, and I’m going to try like hell to be there promptly at 4.

Feel free to email me or Heather if you have questions. Later in the week, I’ll email my cell number if you have any immediate problems on Friday or Saturday.

If I remember correctly — a dicey thing, yes — we had the pleasure of meeting Scotthog before he came before us as a pledge, so he had an opportunity to make a good impression on the group when he showed up at one of the Ahrens’ summer camping deals.

And he did.

But that didn’t stop us from being blown away when he brought this song — called “Punxsutawney,” based on Robert Earl Keen’s “Copenhagen” — with him to perform at Reduction, first for the Elders and then for the entirety of  Hogdom. And because we’re getting pretty cranked up about next weekend, Scott graciously supplied an empeethree of the song for your listening pleasure:

Does anyone remember if he earned pledge of the year for that effort? Because good lord, he should have if he didn’t.

(Click the play button to listen; control+click the link above to download.)

Oye Oye Oye! All you within the sound of my voice listen up!

This is officially the year of Scarlet Victory Gone Hog Wild. Video cameras prohibited.

Taking into account the Buckeye Rose Bowl triumph and the common demographic of the attendees, it is only fitting that we focus on Tressel’s trans-continental trouncing of the less than turgid, hardly tumescent, terribly torpid Ducks. We’ll celebrate two great loves – The Ohio State Buckeyes and the Fraternal Order of Groundhogs by stripping away the trappings of civilization and going primal, deep in the woods, surrounded by like minded…ummm…Hogs. And lots of trees.

How appropriate that we meet at the Mohican State Park, site of the legendary ‘Wolverine Massacre of 1897’. Little known outside Richland County, the massacre is just too horrible to recount at this time. Perhaps the tale can be told as part of the reduction ceremony. Equally important and less bloody, Mohican was also home to the original Barefoot Run, in which pioneering Groundhogs-to-be let their freak flags fly and ran naked – partially naked – over several miles of bitterly cold snow and ice, just for the heck of it. We will celebrate this daring feat with a repeat performance, led by attendees of the original event, including the Sgt. At Arms.

So put your best feet forward, warm up good, and prepare to celebrate. Many are called, but few are chosen. We are a small band of brothers, but a mighty one! The woods awaits!

HogHogHogHogHogHogHogHogHogHogHogHogHogHogHogHogHogHogHogHog HogHogHogHogHogHogHogHogHogHogHogHogHogHogHogHogHogHogHogHogHogHogHogHogHogHogHogHog